hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
