My Higher Power is John Stamos
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
