I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You're a waste of cheezeits
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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