The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
