i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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