someone threw a dead crab at me
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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