Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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