I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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