It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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