where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
