Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
