So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't deserve a penis
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
