I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I did not marry a roomba.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
