i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Well I just put wine in my tea
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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