you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
