how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
