Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
