I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
