highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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