i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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