You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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