You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
