I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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