yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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