Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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