You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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