We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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