Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
