Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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