he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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