I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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