Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
