like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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