so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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