Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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