fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
