dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
3 2 1 whiskey
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
