maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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