She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
