how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
