I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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