Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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