he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Mom said you looked used
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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