My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
