I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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