I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
