I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
