I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My vagina just clenched in fear
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