If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
