I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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