12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
