oh god the rape fog is back!
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
