He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
