Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
