fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
