It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize